04/18/2003
This is a review of schoonie.diaryland.com (now requires password), who guarantees that his diary will be good. I'm tired of people being cocky in my guestbook. Stop that.
Content - 37/75pts.
[-]Execution - 30/45pts. What's wrong with you? You wrote about Kurt Vonnegut's novel Slapstick, and you didn't once say "Why don't you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooon?" For shame.
This is unfair. A year later it makes even your best friends unhappy as they scramble to remember what the deleted entry said.
I usually never mention extras, but this is too funny to pass up. And, in case you weren't aware, they do call the five a "pound" in some parts of Sweden.
On the other hand, this story is obviously fabricated.
So you've got humor pinned, sometimes. Other times, however, it seems forced and tiresome, as if you're trying to please your Diaryland fans and finding it a little bit difficult, such as in the entry (after that virgin incident), when you asked, "I'm funny, eh?" You're right. Eh. Sometimes you're funny. Cockiness is sort of funny. A lot of cockiness is just cocky and not particularly funny anymore.
What's with your clothes obsession? It gave me a strange feeling first, and after I became used to the idea, it just annoyed me. Clothes are not interesting. Period. (See that little period?) And then here, you're boring, which is unforgivable. And you know that other people's dreams are always boring.
I'm not so sure that it's all that "freakin' funny." And the purpose of the "YAY"? Woohoo, you can drink alcohol and write a pointless entry?
While there were plenty of smiles (example - the poo entry, of which I approve and then Carl), the majority of your entries were repetitive and redundant. (See, sort of like calling something "repetitive" AND "redundant.") You get drunk. You go to work. There are crazy college antics. And plenty of self-proclaimed vapidity. No, not hooray for vapid. Points counted off for vapid. MORE points for a second vapid entry.
You didn't even call this one vapid, though you should have.
Advice: Your drunken escapades are just like everyone else's, and while your prose isn't painful, it isn't exactly brilliant or original enough to make your content appear to be different. So then stop writing about your drunken escapades. About two-thirds of your entries were highly entertaining. The other ones were highly unentertaining. And two-thirds of forty-five, carry the one, denominator, is thirty.
[-]Grammar/Mechanics - 0/10pts. Bleh, and you say you're an English major.
You can't spell received. (That's justification for suicide, you worthless piece of scum.) You make the same mistake somewhere on this page.
And on the same page, you muddle the difference between "its" and "it's." I don't hit females, because its morally wrong. I frown with a big fat frown. (What are they teaching you in college? Nothing?)
Actually, you never use apostrophes for plenty of your contractions, especially "it's," which is eternally annoying.
Typo: Ther greatest One Hit Wonder
And it's spelled WEIRD, not wierd. Check here and here And on that second page, you spelled Marilyn Monroe's name as "Maralyn Monroe." I hope you're embarrassed.
Speaking of which, embarrassed has two r's and two s's, contrary to what you may believe.
Look at your keyboard and see how far the "p" is from the "b," and then explain this typo: I had a plast with mom and family anyway
[-]Readability - 10/10pts. Oh. UK means "University of Kentucky." It was several months before I slapped my forehead, realizing. Oh. I guess it's really my own fault for not reading your profile first. (I kept thinking Scotland-pubs-Beatles sort of UK.) Anyway, you are highly readable. Carry on.
[-]Style - 7/10pts. Nice. Let me elaborate on just how badly this guy smells. Imagine a dead deer carcass slowly rotting on the side of the road. Then, take that carcass, pour fetid milk on it, and send it on a ten hour flight to France without a window seat. After the carcass lives (haha) there for six months and becomes a Frenchman (thereby ceasing to shower), it returns to America, where it gains EIGHT HUNDRED POUNDS and takes up a job as a desk clerk in the basement of Whitehall.
But then sometimes your writing is annoying, like here, where you kept saying "waaaay" for some reason. It makes me think that you're an effeminate fourteen-year-old. On the other hand, using dead presidents to rate girls is refreshingly amusing.
And here, you wrote: "Then, we get a table for, like, twelve, and sit down." LIKE, twelve? You're much too old to make that mistake. But then, how many brain cells do you have left, after those drunken stupors?
You actually wrote the word "woot." Ick.
And here you wrote that you are "consistently and succinctly hustled off from one place to another." How can you be "succinctly" hustled anywhere?
Layout - 8/10pts.
[-]Aesthetics - 4/5pts. Center your table. CENTER it. Just add a big "center" tag before all of the code. And, if you want, a "/center" tag afterwards.
Also, consider removing the "recent entries" bit. It makes your page larger than the window, which means you have a scrollbar within a scrollbar, which is ugly and stupid.
[-]Navigability/Legibility - 4/5pts. Your font is (guess..!) TOO SMALL. It's just too small. I sit about two feet from the monitor, and I can't see the text comfortably from back there, which annoys me. Anyway, your font should never be that small. You don't see REAL websites using ridiculously small fonts, do you? Why do you think that you're excused?
Contact - 5/5pts.
Updates - 3/5pts. What was going on in Aug/Sept 2002?
Errors - 4/5pts. In entries where you try to use links within the entry (like here), you forget to leave a space after the link. Annoying. You do it here and here also. And probably in other entries that I missed.
Total - 67/100pts. And I quote from the request Guestbook entry: "I guarantee it will be good." Psh. You're mediocre. Good? Maybe if you deleted that 1/3 of dull repetitiveness. Or maybe if you drank less, you smooth ER junkie. (Huh?)
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