08/05/2004
This is a review of queentrixie.diaryland.com.
Content - 45/75pts.
[-]Execution - 33/45pts. I'm afraid to say that most of your entries are boring as hell. Diaries people like are liked because they're packed full of detail, embarrassing stories, genuine confessions, and real self-exploration.
Where's the detail? The embarrassment? Where can we empathize?
Well, I found some. There was some in this entry, in your description of the guy in the fast lane who refuses to go above the speed limit and also the image of you searching desperately at the airport for your driver's license in the pocket of pants that were packed in a suitcase. That's great stuff! You might think it's mundane, but your readers aren't expecting drama or action-packed adventure. You're not the latest Spiderman installment. All your readers want is a little bit of detailed frustration.
And I found some more: Maybe you should write more about your neurotic behavior like you did here because people love to read about someone who is more neurotic than they are. Showering in the dark because of an absurd fear of hidden cameras? Crawling under the lunch table when your crush actually addresses you? That's hilarious.
So I guess the point is that your life may seem mundane to you, but your readers won't care as long as you seem interested in it when you write about it.
Unfortunately, you don't act interested often enough. And when you're bored, so are we. If you know an entry is dull enough to merit being titled "No Substance", perhaps you shouldn't post it!
Too bad this didn't turn into a detailed description of your masturbatory habits.
My suggestion is to update less often, write more detailed entries, and bring on the pathetic confessions. You have the potential to write a much better (i.e., more interesting) diary, I know.
[-]Grammar/Mechanics - 2/10pts.
Quick comma lesson - if the beginning dependent clause or phrase of a sentence has four or more words, then add a comma before the independent clause. For example, in this sentence: "Since she was getting her hair done yesterday she decided I should have my eyebrows waxed." There should be a comma after "yesterday."
In the same entry: "Actually, to be more acurate I am not thrilled to be going back to Texas." That's accurate.
Subject verb agreement! From here, "I feel like I am two feet tall and everyone else are giants." You mean that everyone else IS A giant.
And it's not "intermitent," it's "intermittent."
You're not Dan Quayle! From here: "I made donuts and pepperoni rolls, and potatoe-maccaroni salad today." -- it's potato! There's no "e" in potato! And "macaroni."
Here: "...then you can not sleep either..." The word is cannot. It really is just one word!
[-]Readability - 8/10pts. Perfectly readable except for few little lapses like:
-here - what are you talking about? And
-here - what happened?
[-]Style - 2/10pts. I would say that about nine out of ten of your sentences follow the third grade formula of subject-verb-direct object/predicate nominative, with no dependent clauses, few prepositional phrases, and hardly any conjunctions. While some diaries can use this style well, it's really only acceptable in small doses. I mean, very small doses, like one three-sentence paragraph.
You write long, descriptive entries, which would be great except that when the whole entry runs like, "I am listening to Peter Gabriel's Us. It arrived in the mail this morning. It rocks and is in fabulous shape. Ebay rules. It really is a great cd," your readers will feel restless and bored. Or at least I felt restless and bored. Vary your sentence structure. Begin with a prepositional phrase or a dependent clause (like a sentence that starts with "because" or "since"). Don't be afraid of mixing and matching subjects and verbs. Experiment! Have a little fun when you write. Right now, your diary feels like it's a chore for you, something that you have to get through so to a reader it sounds plodding and tedious.
An example rewrite: "I am listening to Peter Gabriel's Us, which arrived in the mail this morning. A really great and rocking CD, it's in surprisingly fabulous shape even though I bought it used. Ebay fuckin' rules!" (Be sure to italicize album titles.)
Be careful about how often you use certain words. You shouldn't use a word like "esoteric" or "serendipity" more than once in an entry - they're too odd. And you shouldn't end sentences with "though" in tandem without at least five sentences and one paragraph break in between.
Example where you erred: "I am a slave at present . No drive-in movie. No gambling. I did get my hair cut though. My yearly haircut. I am a slave to beauty people. My mother did buy me some nifty pjs though."
The same rule applies for ellipses. These journal entries aren't meant to be like e-mails, read once and then discarded. They should be written as if someone will cherish them, so go light on the ellipses. Even three in one entry is a number too large.
I suggest that you read your entries and edit them for fluidity and style before you post.
You're one of those likes-to-string-together-words-to-make-really-long-adjectives-or-adverbs people. For example: "I mean walk up to the door, stand in front of it for 30 minutes, and then run back to the car and drive away shy."
I don't really like that habit, and usually the sentence reads better if you just use the word "like," such as rewrite: "I mean shy like I'll walk up to the door..." Of course, you're free to use it if you want, and I acknowledge that when used properly (and sparingly), it can be hilarious. Definitely make it obvious that you're doing it, with hyphens or quotation marks or by capitalizing the first letter of the words.
Layout - 9/10pts.
[-]Aesthetics - 4/5pts. Frog-elephant? I don't get it. I counted the point off for the title bar. "Bite me"? That's not very appealing.
[-]Navigability/Legibility - 5/5pts. No complaint here.
Contact - 5/5pts.
Updates - 5/5pts.
Errors - 0/5pts. You need to run your entries through some kind of spell check. Then you really need to read over them before you post. So many, many careless errors of the text!
I listed the ones I caught, if you're into correcting them:
-here: "She was a nice lady and life is shorter than any of think."
And: "The fact that some shoes cost tweleve hundred dollars"
-here: "It does seem as though every single time I sit down that I hear my called out though." -- plus, you don't need two thoughs in the same sentence!
-here: "I am sad and pathetic cat lady." You're *a* sad & pathetic cat lady, you mean.
-here: "...there was a set of twin boy in 9th grade who were gods"
-here: "He rolls overs and goes back to sleep. I am giglling helpless in the living room at 3 a.m."
-and here: "the roomate will never know." You mean roommate!
Total - 64/100pts. And that's "mediocre." Dude. Buy a dictionary. And use it! Have a great day.
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