04/18/2003
This is a review of offence.diaryland.com.
Content - 39/75pts.
[-]Execution - 25/45pts. We'll begin with a joke. Reason Number Eight to marry Joaquin Phoenix: "I'm a virgin." Hah.
In the beginning, you were vaguely unhappy with your life, I see. So unhappy, in fact, that instead of writing trite expressions of rage just once, you gave us the chance to hear you repeat what everyone else has said before again. Please remember that you are trite, trite, TRITE, as it is, but it becomes worse when you repeat yourself.
If you hate your fellow human beings so much, why must you write to us? Especially when you know that your expression of self-pity is so trite?
This was a rather pointless entry. So was this.
Way to go! Being honest and sincere has led me nowhere. So it's time to slip that facade back on and cut everyone out. I don't need meaningful relationships anyway. That's much better than the trite self-pity.
I approve highly.
I hate sports and I hate "Lord of the Rings," so this entry was rather dismal in my eyes. I also hate dreams. And if you know that an entry is pointless and boring, why do you insist on posting it?
There's nothing to improve the blues like a new boyfriend. Of course, three days later, you're already prepared to be rid of him. Or not. I'm amused. By the way, is the fellow's name Gem or Gen?
I was kept interested because I sensed sexual tension, especially in the lack of discussion about Joaquin Whatever during this period.
But then there were plenty of Friday Fives and Saturday Eights to bore me to a puddle. They're such a waste of space.
The general problem with your entries is that they're longer than they should be. You write mundane details about every event that occurs, and you do so with mediocrity. There is no compelling reason to read your diary. Write shorter entries, or force yourself to focus on solely one subject. This will prevent rambles, which really are not interesting.
[-]Grammar/Mechanics - 7/10pts. Generally, you have excellent grammar. Good job.
Here, you wrote, "imageries of nature." That's either "nature imagery" or "images of nature."
Here: the book I write my sorry excuse for poems in. Never end sentences with prepositions. Rewrite that to read "the book in which I write my sorry excuses for poems." Or just stop writing poetry; it's stupid.
[-]Readability - 4/10pts. With foreign diarists (read: anyone who doesn't live within a hundred miles of me), I always begin by trying to be careful and understanding. Then I'm confronted with dictionaries that have in excess of twenty-five terms. The arrogance and pointlessness of such dictionaries allow me to break out of my kindness shell and yell, screw you. If you're going to write in English, write in ENGLISH. Otherwise, just stick with your native tongue.
Foreign mannerisms are (annoyingly) cute, until they impede understanding. When they impede understanding, I begin yelling expletives.
You employ understanding-impeding foreign mannerisms, and on top of that you're an anime kid, and anime kids are notorious for alluding to stupid anime gossip that no one else can understand, never mind find interesting. I highly disapprove.
And remember that your readers are mostly American. Especially this reader. Don't use acronyms like ECA and CCA and so on. And IRL? In real life? That's GAY. G-A-Y. For gay.
Other than the cultural rift (which you make no effort to bridge), you are readable enough.
[-]Style - 3/10pts. Do NOT use "like" when you mean "says." It's retarded.
On that same entry you wrote: Said 'hey', blah blah, you having free period now?, yes, you?, yes, okay then, I'll go first, bye, and then I was left by myself in the photo-stating room.
You'll never win a Nobel in Literature writing in teenage pain style. (And that's love-pain too, the most ridiculous and redundant of all.)
Scroll down to the bottom of this entry and read the last sentence. You are completely hopeless if you don't cover your face in utter shame.
It's unnerving for you to say "I've to shit now" or "I've gotta take a dump." It doesn't really fit in with the rest of the way you write. And it's disgusting.
Layout - 9/10pts.
[-]Aesthetics - 5/5pts. Tastefully done.
[-]Navigability/Legibility - 4/5pts. Your font is TOO SMALL. Ugh.
Contact - 5/5pts.
Updates - 4/5pts. What happened here? (By then, I was very tired of your diary too.)
Errors - 4/5pts. I don't think you closed the link on this page, causing a number of paragraphs turn into a link too. (The error doesn't show up on IE. But go fix it anyway.)
Total - 61/100pts. And that lands you slap-happy into Mediocrity. Enjoy, and good luck with life. May you take lots of dumps and have lots of meaningful sex. (I mean, if you want.)
Previous - Next - Back to Top
|
|