03/18/2003
This is a review of neostalin.diaryland.com.
Content - 32/75pts.
[-]Execution - 20/45pts. Neo-Stalin? So you're a Communist? The very first thing I did was go to your archives and search for "communist." No such luck. I'll update you if I find any entries pertaining to Communism. (Note - I didn't really find any worth noting.)
Mostly I found redundant diary entries. Yeah. A bit about homework. A bit about emo glasses. I don't quite understand how you got "sexy" from it.
Anyway the story was conventional. I mean, emo kids are funny. They're easy to mock gently, and so many normal kids do it. And they do it much like you do it. And you have lines such as "Like those 'healer' dudes." And those make me uncomfortable.
What do I want then? I want beauty or I want laughs. From you, I got "healer dudes."
Reading all of these diaries have led me to the conclusion that you people spend too much time writing and not nearly enough time reading. How does one write compelling, funny entries? Or even compelling, moving entries? (Those are probably easier.)
One reads! Find a good author, copy HIS style.
"Oh yeah, I'm also failing Math" is something you'd never see a good author say. You obviously don't care that you're failing math. Why should we?
Sigh.
And it goes on in much the same way.
I mean, why do you bother writing an entry that you then title "You can skip this one, it's pretty bland"? Just don't write the entry! Go read something instead! Don't worry about your "update" score! I promise it'll be perfect.
Your content score, however...
Anyway, (finally) I found an entry that wasn't completely just poorly written whining. It got to be that towards the end, I thought, but you definitely had a high point at *penis hardens here.* Oh, me. I'm a sucker for sex jokes.
It really wasn't all that clever, did you notice? But I suppose that after reading so many of your entries, I was just desperate for something new and exciting. In that last one, I became positively nauseated as you whirled me quickly from fuck buddy to Michael Jackson (a confusing connection) to my-parents-are-fired to something about being poser punk. None of this made any intelligible sense to me, so let's pretend that I made a funny joke about you here, and we can both move on.
Say, it'd be nice if you stopped writing whirlwind entries like this.
Say, it'd be nice if you wrote more entries like this one. My grandfather is kind of short. Her grandfather looks sort of like this.
To make up for the short and interesting entry, here's one, aptly titled "Shit." Blah, blah, blah. I'm duly depressed.
[-]Grammar/Mechanics - 0/10pts. Did you know that if you make more than three grammar errors, you lose all your points? Isn't getting a review here fun? I list some of your mistakes so that if you care (which you probably don't), you can go fix them.
From here: "Why aren't I getting laid?" Comments: I've never had that epiphany. (She says that it's an epiphany that everyone has.) Also, even if I did, I wouldn't mix my subjects and verbs. Of course, you think, "I are right in every way!"
From here: Jerry calmly turns around and says "Are you Okay?"
I think that a comma lesson is in order. Before you begin a quotation in dialogue, you need a comma. For example: Jerry says, "Are you okay?" See that comma? You need that comma. And "okay" should not be capitalized. You can capitalize "OK" though, if you really want to capitalize something.
And then from here: My grandma is so prejuidice
And it goes on.
[-]Readability - 8/10pts. I didn't like those acronyms you'd find at the bottom of some of the entries. Sigh.
[-]Style - 4/10pts. You're working that teen pain style. Oh, the angst. Oh, the pain. Oh, the boys who don't love you.
Actually, you're really not that whiny or angst-filled. You seem chipper to me. You've got teen glad style. You're a teenager, but you're happy. Anyway, the point is that you write with a juvenile style, unoriginal and uninspired.
Sometimes, also, you are just plain mean. Did you think that you justified your position? You're wrong. You didn't. "Lardass" was rather uncalled-for. Also - your title? You meant to say "obesity at its finest," you idiot. Just kidding! (No, I'm not kidding. It really is "its.")
Layout - 0/10pts.
[-]Aesthetics - 0/5pts. It's bothersome to go to all this trouble to write a review and then to find that the person you've reviewed doesn't follow your suggestions. Have I ever whined about how much trouble I really go through? I'm sure it's evident. The reviews are LONG, and it's obvious that I've read the majority of your entries, I'm sure. (Because I have read the majority of your entries.) And I've discovered a horrible thing. A very horrible thing.
On February 23, 2003, you received a review from R-e-v-i-e-w (arch enemy!) in which you were asked to do something about the links in your older entry titles becoming underlined and causing seizures. (The reviewer may not have phrased it quite like that.) Anyway, it's been several weeks, and I've seen no improvement. Why is that? Is it because you're lazy? Because you just don't care?
People have repeatedly told you that your font is next-to-impossible to read. They LIE. It is actually VERY impossible to read. Do you know what I went through to be able to read it? (Of course you don't. That's why I'm going to tell you.) I had to go to Tools. Then I had to select Internet Options. Then I had to click on Accessibility. I had to check off "ignore font styles" and "ignore font sizes." All that, just to be able to read your entries. That's a lot of effort. For this reason, you receive zero points for layout. (Not that this is really a big deal on my review site, seeing as how you can still get a 90 with zero layout points. Has anyone else noticed that?)
Comment - since you are probably going to STILL be too lazy to fix your font, I would put the instructions I listed above on your site so that IE-inept people who visit your site are able to read your entries. They'll find that they also have to refresh the page so that the program can realign your text. Oh, me.
One more thing. On entries that have longer titles, the title bar begins to scroll. That's really ugly. And so on. (I feel sort of lethargic as I write this because I know that you aren't going to change your diary. Oh, the pointlessness of it all.)
[-]Navigability/Legibility - 0/5pts. I've already discussed this. Also, my mantra. Your font is too small. Your font is too small. Your font is TOO SMALL.
Contact - 5/5pts.
Updates - 5/5pts.
Errors - 5/5pts. Your font is too small.
Total - 47/100pts. And bad and bad. You said, when you requested this review, that there would "hopefully" be "constructive criticism." Well. I'm constructive up to my armpits. (Your font is too small.) Listen, I think that you should just change your font altogether. Change it to Verdana. Everyone loves Verdana. (I hope.) Anyway, what was the point of this? Oh, right. Your diary. The only way to improve your content is to read more novels. Go do that.
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