08/09/2004
This is a review of amazinfuckup.diaryland.com.
Content - 46/75pts.
[-]Execution - 30/45pts. There might be a SLIGHT conflict of interest as I review this diary because the first entry I read (a rant) could be a near perfect study of my own character. Now, I'm not fifteen and my parents never took away my phone for bad grades (because I never got bad grades), but look at this: "It's people like you that will run the world. It's people like you that will get the medical degrees, the law degrees, the big bucks, the power to move and shape the world in which we live." That's me to the T! I just don't really understand what makes her think that I am or ever will be a "waste of oxygen." Maybe I should get drunk, pierced, fucked, and pregnant at seventeen (oops, too late for that one), just like her real life friends. HEE.
And now, back to the diary. The argument can go back and forth about whether it's harder to do drama or harder to do comedy. Comedy is difficult because you have to good at being funny, which isn't easy. Drama is difficult because you don't have the crutch of the pelvic thrust joke, something you know will get a giggle. Drama just has to be good, it has to be believable. There has to be sympathy. And it's very hard to muster sympathy if the reader doesn't really believe that you have a problem, but are rather just, horror of horrors, needlessly whiny.
The first step to being labeled "needlessly whiny" is to sound contrived. Now, I've never given myself a self-inflicted wound, I've never suffered from abuse or indifference from my parents, and I'd a very happy childhood and grew up to be a happy, healthy adult, so I've had no personal experience with mental disease or angst, so to speak. Therefore, I am the perfect test subject for your writing because I have no bias because I won't feel a need to hold you and commiserate as an "SI sister," or whatever. But if you can make me relate and understand to any extent, then there's an honesty and genuineness to your writing that's truly commendable.
Alas, you failed. For the most part, I found your writing annoyingly contrived and exaggerated, like here: "I can't remember how much I've wanted to put my knife through [his picture]... But each and every time, I managed not to. I put the knife through myself instead." And why is that, Drama Queen? "Because I'd regret it if I ruined the picture." Right, dot, dot, dot. (It doesn't seem even a tad contrived to you?) Brave Miss Drama Queen, protecting the picture at the cost of her flesh.
Maybe contrived Drama Queen is your personality, if this entry is any indication of your usual nature. But I don't think that it is. So if you want to sound less contrived, leave out the fancy writing and just try to express yourself honestly.
The second step to Needless Whininess is self-indulgence. Here's a tad self-indulgent. And I think you're making the mistake of thinking that *we* care. Don't throw yourself into a tizzy about your boyfriend telling you to "bite [him]." Just do it! Yummay. And there's no reason to insult your brethern.
Speaking of which, if this is how Diaryland makes you feel, then I bet LiveJournal would make your head implode.
Re:"it's a hell of a show," eh. Oh, and yeah, right.
The third and final step is vague pointlessness. What? MORE DETAIL might give that entry a purpose. Or a point. Huh? He/she wasn't worth your time? WHY NOT? We voyeurs have a right to know!
Category: precociously pretentious jackass
Your diary wasn't all bad. This is a sweet, (but more importantly) honest entry. Why can't they all be like that?
I know this isn't supposed to be funny, but the juxtaposition of your denial of being a "whore" and then the kiss (saying the "flame died" immediately before, that's a nice image. Well done!), and then "Ten minutes later, [he] got back together with [his] ex-girlfriend" -- that's just classic. This is a great entry too.
But, alas, FIFTY SEVEN.
Part of the reason that you don't seem to have a genuine diary is that half the time you claim to hate teenagers and their inane whininess like here, but the other four-fifths of the time, you are inane and whiny. Or angst-filled and over-dramatic. I don't think that this is insightful enough to merit its own entry. Especially considering the writer was someone who is
braindead.
Basically, I think you should stop writing entries that you'll delete later.
[-]Grammar/Mechanics - 6/10pts. Criticizing outside sites linked by people asking for reviews isn't exactly something I usually do, but I couldn't help in the case of the site of the Eloquent Elite Clique for Diarists, of which effingamazing is a member. On their about page, they claim, "Our members are some of the finest writers on diaryland (not to brag)! Each member owns their own diary." Hah. WTF OMG LOL!!!oneoneone... Man, I hate cliques. Ever since I was rejected from this Angelfire one back in the 1900s. Bitter! (By the way, "each member" is singular and the pronoun "their" is plural. Clearly a problem of matching.)
Anyway, it was no big surprise when I found the same mistake on effingamazing's finely written diary: "But I guess one can't really complain of loneliness if one systematically removed oneself from the world, now can they?"
You should probably use the "cannot" form of "can not" here.
You can never use too many commas! In fact, in that next sentence, it might sound better with an added comma: "I will not leave just yet because after five plus years of friendship and reliability ADD_COMMA_HERE I feel I owe him that."
Here - It might be better to say, "Let's face it _COLON_ I have begun to hate you," instead of the semicolon. You decide. More info here.
While I'm all for metaphors, I don't like mixed ones: "... run over it with a bulldozer [as if it were the little sister]." You don't mix metaphors here, and that turned out much better.
[-]Readability - 4/10pts. You are way too vague.
Who are these written to? Boyfriend? Fuck 'im. I'm not your boyfriend. And what's with the switching between "he" and "you"? Confusing! And alienating. Boo. Hiss.
Wtf? I don't get it. Click? What? Huh?
[-]Style - 6/10pts. When you transcribe conversations, it might be more realistic to use a couple of contractions. From here: "You did not have to return it," sounds stilted, but "You didn't have to return it, my African brother," sounds authentic. And it might be a little less confusing to write "'Keep it.' I continue rummaging through my backpack." That way, it's clear that you want him to keep the pencil and that you don't really care about the pencil. And it forces the focus of the pause on his character instead of possibly on you because the backpack rummaging detail is so insignificant that the reader will pass over it quickly.
The last part is just confusing. Perhaps you should move "'You said you wanted it back,'" between, "But suddenly the boy I loved disappears," (that's a bit altered for clarification) and "'I said a lot of things,' (I replied coldly?)," and THEN you can walk away.
Mark Twain, Jane Austen, and Edward Albee always did dialogue really well. Especially Albee, for more modern, American dialogue. Remember that you're trying to tell us a story and we don't know anything about the characters. You have to be more explicit. Even if the story is exciting for you to write and the ending especially excites you, don't get so excited that you write too fast and the story gets muddled. Slow down and explain things better. You don't have to relate the story exactly as it happened. Journals aren't entirely truth. If they were, they'd be too difficult to understand. Elaborate and embellish.
This entry was an original idea, sort of. But the characters got a little mixed. Italics seemed to be the carefree nihilist with her "That's boring. Call me when you decide to slit your wrists or something," and her " That's the way the cookie crumbles." But then Normal became Italics-like with her playful cliches like "That's the spirit!" or "Game, set and match." And Bold shouldn't have been bold - she wasn't very bold at all! But a nice attempt.
Here - by "kind of funny" you mean "very appropriate." I hate it when people mix those two phrases up!
You use the word "amusing" WAY too often.
-here
-here
-here
Layout - 8/10pts.
[-]Aesthetics - 5/5pts.
[-]Navigability/Legibility - 3/5pts. Your font is too small. Make it 12pt. Your entry titles are totally useless. "Fifty-nine" is not an acceptable entry title.
Contact - 5/5pts.
Updates - 5/5pts.
Errors - 4/5pts.
Typo? "Asesthetically" is "aesthetically"?
Total - 68/100pts. It's funny 'cuz people with the best shit to write never "update for the sake of updating," which is a hell of a lot like talking loud when you got nothin' to say. Fix that, and you'd have a diary that wasn't mediocre.
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