03/18/2003
This is a review of crazysoul.diaryland.com.
Content - 30/75pts.
[-]Execution - 15/45pts. I like how you put your poetry and quotations between the ~*'s at the very beginning of every entry so that I can skip them and never mention them except to say that I do skip them. Ha, ha. Now, onto your diary.
So, rain on the outside while you're on the inside cleanses your soul? Your soul encompasses the outside world but not the inside of your house? Deep. I bring up that entry because I like short entries. Short entries force you to have a point and to get to it quickly.
In other short entries, however, there is no point or you never get to it. Does being proud to be American have anything to do with the university? And "A Warrant to Kill"? It's about cops? Huh?
You have several entries like that, where you say nothing, really. You started your novel? Well, you said exactly that in the previous entry. And then you say that you're flawed, but it's a secret how you're flawed.
Let me tell you something, you diary-using fake. Your flaws are not your own anymore, not after you started your online journal (and then you submitted it for review). Now your flaws are mine and what's his name's and everyone else's on this planet who happens to encounter your journal.
It isn't necessarily bad when you list day-to-day events, such as running out of toilet paper and breaking your lamp. The problem occurs when that's all you do, and your life isn't a series of screamingly funny slapstick comedy sessions. Declarative sentences that don't move the plot anywhere interesting are bad.
Is your life dull? Probably about as dull as anyone else's. We all have those dull lives. (Well, you all have those dull lives. Mine is interesting.) I have an idea. Let's stop writing about days that you later describe as "nothingness"! That way, I, the reviewer with the goldfish-style attention span, can feel giddy about your diary, instead of bored and whiny.
At the end of this entry, you ask, rhetorically, I think, whether it is better to be a wallflower or the center of attention. You ask this question despite the fact that the majority of the entry was spent on how wonderful it would be to find yourself the center of attention. Pointless, eh? To ask the question?
You give reviews, and you say that you do this because "it gives [you] some insight on how people live." And for diaries that don't give you insight on how the diarist lives? I hope you bring out that point-slasher. Here's mine. I found no insight into your life. It could have been the diary of the person sitting next to you.
Okay, fine, sometimes you share emotions, but they are always removed from your life. Instead of really delving into social problems, you write it off far too easily to the media. Just turn off the TV! Do the problems still exist? Sure. How do you feel about the problems? I suppose you feel vaguely nothing at all. I suppose this from what I understand of you by what you presented of yourself in your diary.
You wanted to present emotions in your diary. You have failed to do so, repeatedly. And that is all.
[-]Grammar/Mechanics - 2/10pts. Don't worry too much about that score! I'm going to help you fix your grammar a lot in just a few minutes. Then you'll be a Grammar God.
First lesson: The difference between "to" and "too." The word "to" is many things, but usually just a preposition. Go to the store. And so on. The word "too" is an adverb. That means it modifies an adjective. It says that something is a great deal of a certain characteristic. The ball is too red. The store is too far. Additionally, it can mean "also." I am annoyingly picky about spelling too.
Here is a page you make the mistake: "If I talk to much..."
And here is another page: "I want it to be the truth to."
Remember: its = possessive pronoun and it's = it is. You mix the two here: "it hasn't run away on it's two legs."
Also remember that nouns like "someone" and "anyone" are singular. You cannot use the pronoun "they" to refer to "someone" or "anyone." You must use "he or she" or just plain old "he," if you're not overly feminist. You make the mistake here: "When I walk down the street and see someone who looks like they need money I would give them some."
[-]Readability - 8/10pts. I don't like your entry titles. A reason I hate poetry is that it takes (usually, at least with your kind of poetry) a long time to say what the poet means. Or the poetry will never say it at all. In any case, titles like ~* It was never anything bad...~* and ~* He walks slowly, with a glint in his...*~ and ~* I admire you and the way you....~* are all strikingly similar and completely useless for navigational purposes. Why do you bother making titles for your entries if the titles are all the same? Titles aren't meant to be poetic. They're meant to help me pick which entries to read. Or to help me remember which ones I've already read. And so on.
I mean, "sweet love I meant no harm" has nothing to do with an entry about things you want, especially things that come from within.
[-]Style - 5/10pts. You employ teen pain style, although it would appear that you are still coming to terms with your angst, which is a sign that you can recover quickly if you begin right now by not indulging in its stupidity. Please stop. It will make you a much better writer.
After all, we all know who Jane Austen is, and she mocked the popular style of her period, the Gothic novel. And can you name any real Gothic novelists of her period? No. No you can't. Write for posterity, and your style will become magnificent.
Practical advice that is easier to follow: Don't use so many rhetorical questions (scroll to the last paragraph to see them employed). Try to go a week without asking them. You'll find that you are forced to justify your claims, making your writing more compelling and believable.
Layout - 9/10pts.
[-]Aesthetics - 5/5pts. No problem here.
[-]Navigability/Legibility - 4/5pts. Consider two suggestions. Suggestion Number One: Change the color of the visited links in your archives pages. That way, the reader who sits herself down (see how I wrote "herself" instead of "themselves"? That's what I was talking about in the Grammar section), determined to read all of your entries won't click on the same links, since your entry titles are vague and similar.
Suggestion Number Two: Change the color of the links titled "Feb 2003," "March 2003," and "Pages." They're dark, dark red on black. Can't read them.
By the way, your font is not too small. Good job!
Contact - 5/5pts. ~* I don't want to hear your voice ...*~
Updates - 5/5pts. ~* I will mean something to you one....*~
Errors - 5/5pts. ~* I feel so -snort- metaphorical...*~
Total - 54/100pts. Yet another suggestion: Write a diary that you think would be fun to review. Or else don't ask for reviews! Good day, child. (And, life advice? Why don't you adopt a grandparent? That'll shake up your life! And, it'll be good. It will make the old person happy.)
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